A Study in Selfish Contradictions
by CeredwenFlame
Summary: Just something that came to me after watching Moon Child and reading some of the other fan fics. I do not normally do such pairings but for some reason they want to be together. As the muses demand so shall I do. Sho x Kei. You have been warned.
1. Disclaimer

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Moon Child. I am not making any money from this. Just doing it for my own enjoyment and sharing it with all of the other fans.**

**WARNING: Sho x Kei pairing. If you do not like such relationships do not read. Please do not flame the story. You can comment and share CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. Flames will be viewed with scorn if viewed at all.**


	2. Shadow of the Night

Innocent eyes. That is what I remember. But, you were not so innocent were you? For all you seemed to be nothing more than an innocent child, you were an orphan… a child of the streets, and you had intended to take my watch. I was ready to give up then… to greet the sunrise and welcome the burning pain and final oblivion. But you, strange child that you were, saved me from myself… and gave me a reason to keep on living.

You and your friends, your brother took me in. You were doing whatever you could to scrape by in Mallepa, and when this work of desperation followed you home one day, I stepped in and you found out just what kind of man you rescued. Yet something kept us together. You knew I was a monster, but you did not care. I never did understand it, and I still don't. But that smile, that bright shining smile was better than a thousand sunrises…

I was selfish. More than you can ever know, I was selfish. I was so alone and pitiful when Luka found me… And when my sire, my mentor, my friend had finally tired of his existence, I begged him to stay. I did not want him to go into the arms of warm oblivion and be at peace… as I should have done. No, I mewled like a baby to try and get him to stay… And in the end I had to watch the sun set him aflame before I selfishly ran for cover to spare the life I loathed.

Selfish and weak. I wanted to end it. After Luka left, I wanted to die too… but I could do nothing to bring this about myself. I tried, but every time the sun would start to creep over the horizon, I ran like a frightened child. All of the things I never told to you… You have known me better than anyone ever has and yet you still don't really know me. Perhaps I should let you… but again I am selfish, I fear that you would leave me if you really knew me and I could not bear that.

I stopped drinking blood, and yet time would come when I would give in to that temptation – to the desire to taste that blood again. I say I loathe my existence, that I hate having to drain the lives of others to keep on living and yet I am too weak and selfish to stop existing. I wandered around Mallepa, a shadow of forgetfulness and times long past, little more than ashes on the wind… No one noticed me. I was just another shattered face in a broken crowd. No one until you.

Did you know that the first time we met, I thought about feeding from you? You were just another street rat, an orphan no one would miss… and yet, something kept me from doing it. I could argue that I was too weak to move… that the daylight was draining me… But we bother know that is a lie. I had strength enough to take your hand from my wrist, I could have done it… But the will was not there. I was curious about you… and yet too miserable in my own existence to notice anything until you were helping me onto the dolly. When you covered me with that blanket, I was mystified. You did not know what I was. You knew only that the sun badly burned me. You took me from that place and into your home. Perhaps you truly were innocent after all.

And so, a new cycle of selfish whims began. I had lost my purpose with Luka's final sunrise… but in you I found a new reason to keep up my miserable existence… and never was that made more clear than when your work followed you home. Your friend ran, your brother shot, threats ringing through the dilapidated building that you boys called home. Innocence I could not defile with my fangs, with my loathing hunger… but evil… quite another story. The money you stole was drug money, gun money or blood money of another sort. No good men had that much money in this forsaken place anymore. The good ones were like yourselves – poor, orphaned and scraping by as best they could. I selfishly glutted myself on the blood of the man that shot your brother and would have shot you and your friend as well, even after getting the money back. Who would miss 3 dead street rats anyway?

So very selfish of me to stay with you boys. To make you into my new family. So selfish of me to not leave after you learned what I was… But you saw me feed, you saw the blood on my lips, you saw the fangs and you did not run. You stepped closer and you saved me from myself yet again. You were selfish too, but not nearly as selfish as I am… Stay long enough and you may find out just how selfish I am… What a happy family we were. Your brother not always so happy. But I helped to keep you all safe, I helped to keep you out of harm's way as much as I could… Because I selfishly wanted to keep you – just you, the other two I could have done without… but you were a package deal and so I would deal with it to keep you close… See? My selfishness knows no bounds.

I taught you all to defend yourselves. I helped you fight, I helped you take jobs to get more money. I watched over you… I was the big brother yours had always hoped he would be. I know that's why he hates me, and I'm selfish enough not to care. Don't you see? Because if I was not so selfish, I would have left him to it - but I cannot, you may have been a part of his life first, but you will be mine always. See how selfish I really am?

You were always my focus. They learned things because they were with you. Even as you started to grow up, you were still that innocent child that did not mind that his friend was a monster. I am a monster. You must never forget that… A selfish, immortal monster. The older you got, the more beautiful you became. You took to my lessons so well, the others, had their strengths… but only you were nearly my equal. You even learned to dodge bullets. With my guidance of course. I was your spotter – always your spotter… because you had to live. Without you I would have nothing, no reason to live this cursed life…

We had close calls, but we had more fun than we had trouble. We had a place of our own… Your brother had a place to call his own, your friend had a place to call his own… and all was right with our worlds. I was so glad you wanted to stay with me. See, more of my selfishness. I may not have outwardly said that I wanted you to be with me, but you knew. You tried to live your life like I had to live mine. So many excuses and I waved them all away, selfishly glad to have you at my side. Any protestations that I made, were merely to settle my conscience. I did not mean them. Of course I wanted you with me. You have been my best friend… my only true friend. Did I not tell you that you are my everything?


	3. Light of Day

Do you not realize that I do not want to go out and hang out with Toshi and watch my brother fade into the drug haze? Do you not realize that I turned away from them out of my own selfish desire to be closer to you? You see me as this angel… and I am not. I am a selfish young man… more selfish than you can ever know and I was selfish from before I met you. Did you know that? No… you know me better than anyone else ever has, but there is so much more that you do not know… So much I have hidden because I fear losing you too much and again I am selfish.

I wanted to escape the orphanage so badly… so selfish in wanting to be free of that dirty, rat and roach infested place that I filled Toshi and Shinji's heads with ideas. I wanted no… I needed them to be with me. I knew I could not do it on my own. I was too small, too weak. I would need help if I was going to escape. I did not stop with sharing my dreams with them until we were out, running scared and free. I did not think of them at that moment. I thought only of sunshine, fresh air and a chance to wield my own destiny.

However, I let them stay close enough not to lose me. I was not foolish. This was Mallepa, and it was a dangerous place. Together we had a better chance of survival. Do not get me wrong, I loved Shinji and Toshi… but I loved freedom more. Innocent and wide eyed, but not so innocent as to be ignorant of the dirty place Mallepa was… how black the heart of the city was… No I did not think in such terms. But we were now masters of our own destiny… and I was free to find my own way. Selfish – ne?

We played in the streets. We conned what we could out of the people and we made a life for ourselves among the city's ruins. I did what I had to in order to keep living. I was too young to let the world get to me. I was selfish and wanted the world to be my oyster. I wanted to someday be able to say that I was not an orphan anymore. I wanted everything…

When we pulled that job on that man with the briefcase. I was scared… I ran opposite of Shinji and Toshi, we had to separate… but I did not think about them. I thought about saving my own hide. I am so selfish. I was scared, running for my life. I paused, ducking into a building… some place that perhaps the man if he came my way would not look into… and I saw you. You looked dead… now I know that technically you are not among the living… but you did not look like any sleeping bum I had seen. I figured if you had died here, maybe I could take your watch and your ring to get some money to buy food with. I did not think if you might be alive, or how you had gotten to be like that… Only thinking of me, thinking of putting food in my selfish belly.

You weren't dead and I stopped, confused baffled. Still part of my mind was working to think of a way to turn this to my advantage somehow. You never thought I was much of a thinker, I'm too brash, to rash… always in a hurry, wanting instant results… But things drive me… and my selfishness keeps me sharp. You seemed… strange…. Strong and weak at once. Alive and dead. A foot in many worlds. But you were intriguing and I figured I needed something new… and so, I tried to figure you out. Still haven't to this day, but I keep selfishly trying to bare your soul to me.

Then I saw your hand burning as the sun hit it. And for a moment, I forgot my selfishness. You were orphaned like me perhaps? You were alone in this world. I might have had Toshi and Shinji, but I was alone… I wanted more… I wanted you. I did not know the same kind of want of you that I know now… it was different, childish, innocent… but it was wanting all the same.

When you killed the man that wanted his brief case of dirty money back, Shinji was scared. Toshi had run off and didn't know… and me? I selfishly chose to ignore my brother and see for myself. You were drinking that man's blood… and I stood there transfixed. You were a monster. With you around, no bad men could hurt us. I liked that idea. You could be useful. See how selfish I was even then?

Of course as I got to know you I came to care for you. Of course you can love someone and still be selfish. You can have all the innocent hopes and dreams in the world and still be selfish. And I am selfish. You don't know how damn selfish I am… and part of me selfishly hopes you never will. I don't want you to leave me. I need you. Do you know that? Do you know how much I need and want you in my life? I've been too scared to say anything, to selfishly afraid that if I say something and you do not return the feelings that I will lose you. And I cannot bear that.

You started to train us. I pursued it with a focus you hadn't expected. But getting better, meant I could do more, get more. And getting better meant I could get closer to you. After all it was only a matter of time before I surpassed Shinji and Toshi so much that I couldn't even spar with them anymore. So there we would be, fighting in the little courtyard of our dilapidated building… I did not even mind when you struck me, your attention was on me and that was all that mattered.

Then we started pulling bigger jobs. Better pay off and that was good. Toshi got his own little apartment… so did Shinji and then Shinji got the pet shop. Did you know he begged me to come with him? "Ototosan… come stay with me. Family should stay together." He would say. But I refused. I wanted to be where you were. I was so selfish I turned my back on my own brother… just to be closer to you.

You seemed to not mind. As I got older, my selfish wanting and needing of you changed. You were beautiful… I wanted more than anything… to be yours… to have you be mine. You were not a monster in my eyes but a God. I wanted you, I wanted everything… See how selfish I am?

We fought side by side at jobs. You would spot me. You made me better. I could dodge bullets – that always left Toshi stunned. Together we seemed invincible… They were there still yes, but they did not matter. Nothing mattered but you… you and me… My selfish wanting of destiny. Did I ever tell you that you're my everything?

* * *

Ototosan means younger brother. 

Yes, I ended it the same. But there are to be similarities because they're a lot a like in my mind. I do not know if I will be updating this as often as I have. I will write as they tell me what to do. But the first two chapters had to be Kei and Sho's points of view of everything… so that I can get on to everything else. I know it is basically a recap of the movie… but I had to get that out of the way first. Please read and review! Thank you.


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